Thought of the Day on this warmer Saturday morning in Melbourne —> 32 currently heading to a high of 36 …. but we get hotter , so that’s not “hot”. For Melbourne.
🤣 Oh how my perspective on weather has changed so much since I moved away from the BEST weather on the planet!
I digress.
This is another “I’m ADHD so what now” post.
I’ve been thinking and feeling and processing a lot of emotions. Briefly angry/regret/ some sadness perhaps. A bit of grief for what could have been had I been diagnosed and treated as a child. That didn’t last very long.
I don’t tend to hold grudges – unless you hurt someone I love, then , you have nowhere to run and hide that I won’t find you – and make you pay. Eventually. I have endless patience. I can wait for an opportunity to make your life hard. I’m like an Australian Crow, which apparently holds grudges for up to 17 years, except it’s only ever on someone else’s behalf. Go figure.
Having a long conversation with my mother recently – and we discussed how I view her through the lens of having a daughter who had “behavioural” issues – and how she dealt with all the things that were suggested for me. And how she feels now about my diagnosis and medication.
Now other people have asked me in the last few weeks if I have “forgiven” her. To be honest, I can’t answer that question, because it doesn’t compute in my brain.
There is nothing to forgive. There is no wrong, or hurt that needs healing here.
My mother and father did the best they could. Always.
With the obvious exceptions of evil eff-wits who abuse their kids – ALL parents do the best they can for their children, they make the best decisions possible, in the moment, with the information they have at that time. And they make those decisions from a place of love.
How could I ever even contemplate that there was something to “be forgiven” when I know, and feel it all the time – that my mother loves me beyond infinity ?
And when I look back – despite how difficult and confusing so much of life was for me – I know without a shadow of a doubt I would not be the person I am without the guardrails, guidance, love and support that she did/does give me – to the best of her ability. I could not have asked for a better mother, or father.
So no. I don’t need to “forgive” her. Because there is NOTHING to forgive.
She’s the strongest woman I know. No matter what life throws at her, she gets up, and keeps going. THAT’s the epitome of strength, fortitude and resilience.
So , while Grown Up Steph is perhaps a little sad at how much of Little Steph’s life was harder than it could have been perhaps, at no point in any of this is Grown Steph blaming her mother.
Lets remember also that when I was child , medical professionals genuinely ( and with a lot of gender bias ) believed that ADHD, and ADD was more a boy-thing than a girl-thing – because it presents so differently in girls than boys. The hyperactivity is in our heads, racing thoughts, and perhaps a bit of fidgeting here and there , but certainly not the same level of physical hyperactivity we see with little boys.
So no – I’m not in the “angry” place, or the “lets forgive people” place – I’m in the “Now I know how my brain works, I can get on with life” place.
It’s a nice place to be.
I highly recommend it for people who hold grudges and hold onto slights. It’s not worth it, life is short ( something I learned very early on at 12 when the car accident that killed 5 of my family on Mom’s side happened).
Happy Saturday indeed. Love you mom Cynthia Gaddin.
