Over the last 36 hours I have slowly morphed into a militant Neurodovergent.
My medication changed yesterday, and it’s been three doses on the new regimen.
I am changed person over the last 36 hours – with a clarity and focus I have not had since my early twenties , when I inadvertently self medicated my way though a corporate IT career ( that’s a story for another day).
Let me tell you – I am FURIOUS with every doctor that didn’t believe me about my struggles, or the noise in my brain – and incandescent with rage with every single other person that told me I was “too well-adjusted” to have ADHD, [ hello, have you heard of masking perchance??] or that my accomplishments proved I didn’t have it. Or that I was “just lazy” or “selfish” because I constantly forgot things without a running litany of checklists, and checklists about the checklists, and fought so hard against the noise in my head to remember to do things like brush my teeth. And I would beat myself up endlessly in my corporate life whenever I missed a deadline, or forgot something crucial.
RSD – check check and check – anything even remotely slightly negative and I would be mortally wounded, deeply ashamed, kicking myself for being useless and unhelpful and a burden. But really, constructive criticism is not bad, and isn’t a personal attack – who would have guessed ?? Not me.
Or the psychiatrist (here in Australia) who said to me in a session that ADHD was a “fad”, and I was “just depressed” because nobody with “real” ADHD can “possibly complete a science degree in biochemistry”. ( again that’s another story for another day). Pfft what? I am shatteringly angry thinking this through with my reclaimed clarity and focus.
I have accomplished what I have despite all of the internal and external struggles – because I have phenonemal resilience, and because I developed my own compensatory mechanisms as a child and coping strategies as a teen and young adult. Some were helpful, and some were not healthy for me physically or mentally. Slowly they have become less and less effective as it’s become harder and harder for me to maintain forward momentum. And my anxiety has morphed into full blown depression. And my ADHD paralysis combines with that deep depression to keep me immobile, afraid, anxious and not moving forward. Hell on earth to experience whenever a downward spiral happens.
No More.
Clarity and Focus. Both are back.
Watch out world, correctly medicated Steph is going to be a force to be reckoned with.